my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
