so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
