Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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