seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my shit smells like andre
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
