Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
