I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
