So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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