The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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