this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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