im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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