Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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