my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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