fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
