i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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