Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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