Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
