the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
