sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
