Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
