if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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