She said her name was "party"
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
