I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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