I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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