So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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