i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
