I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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