The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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