She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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