just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
