3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
