Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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