If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
