The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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