Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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