I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
