Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You did what with his pubic hair?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
