My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
