so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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