I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
