I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
