Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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