Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
