Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
