Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
