i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
