After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
