I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
