Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
