Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
