I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
ttyl tear gas
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
