Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
