got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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