The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
